On Satan's Authority

I'm gonna slow down posting after this post...I didn't want to keep anybody waitin' around for this scene to resolve itself.  I noticed that "Mordred and Tina LeFay Spencer" got read more than "Grandpa's Whipping Bog."  People are busy, got jobs to work, and lives to live off of the net, and I don't want to take up too much time for those who are interested in reading Epiphany Now.  I'm going to try to keep it to one post a week for that reason.  I've already got the next post on the backburner...

After Private Dickweed's failure to get me to comply with his demands in my house, it was time for the witch to show herself. She began a barrage of assaults on my character. I had a beard of about three months at the time, I'm Scotch/Irish with some Prussian to boot, I grow hair like most people collect junk mail. "How are you going to get a job with a face like that," said the witch.

"I'm not looking for a damn job."

"Not looking for a job, so you're just planning on mooching off of Aunt Bee indefinitely?" Let's keep in mind here that neither one of these douche bags have a job, nor are they looking, and Private Dickweed had a beard longer than mine at the time. They both live in government housing and get government checks. "Don't you ever clean house?" As she points at the wreckage that was the kitchen. I hadn't had a chance to sweep and mop since the storm came through the day before.

"A storm just came through yesterday," I said incredulously. "And at any rate, who the hell are you to question me in my own house?"

"Your house," piped up Dickweed, "this is my sister's house." He made to get back into my personal space and the witch pushed him away and behind her. At this time it was getting pretty heated in the room. My face was red. I only had a couple of clicks left before I reached full bore savagery. My son was standing beside me loosing his shit at this point in response to the energy in the room. I picked him up and took him into his room and shut the door. I wasn't sure what was about to happen and I didn't want him to witness it. It was a mistake because he doubled up on loosing his shit when I left the room and shut the door. I opened the door and picked him up in an attempt to try and calm him. That's when Mordred decided to try and grow some balls.

"How long are you gonna stay in my sister's house?"

"We've moved in indefinitely. We're not going anywhere."

"And another thing, you don't tell my sister what to do. If she wants a t.v. she can have one. I don't want to hear any reports of you telling my sister what to do again...you hear me?" (Shortly before Wendy and I moved in with Aunt Bee she decided she would give her flat screen idiot panel to Rapunzel as a gift, making Mordred's comment that much more idiotic)

"What are you talking about? If she wants a television she can have one. I don't tell Aunt Bee what to do. She can do or have whatever she wants. What is he talking about Aunt Bee?"

"My house, my rules."  Said a monotone Bee. 

"We're gonna leave soon, and when I come back in a couple of weeks you better be gone." Commanded General Douchery. "You aren't welcome in this house."

"Don't you care at all about your niece's family? Don't you know that I'm married to your niece and this is her son that ya'll are freakin' out right now." He didn't say anything in reply. He could care less about his niece.

"All I know is that you need to pack your bags and leave." Said Mordred.

"Who do you think you are coming into our home like this, comin' at me like this? I could pack our bags and leave, and we'd go to California, and you'd never see your niece again. Don't you care about that?"

"So are you saying you are going to move to California then?" Said Mordred.

"I could, but Aunt Bee asked us to move here. I resigned from my job to move here. I didn't lose my job. This is all intentional.  I'm still an EMT intermediate by state, and by the National Registry of EMT's until 2014.  If I want or need to go back to work it won't be a problem.  Where are you workin' at?" Aunt Bee's brain was stuck on a loop, and from this point on all that she would say is "my house, my rules."

"You need to pack up and leave. You better be gone the next time I come here." Said Mordred. The tone had been escalating during this exchange. Ayden was still crying and freak'in out. I had a ball of anger in my gut that was growing unmanageable. I was beginning to worry for my son. I had to keep him safe, and I didn't want him to witness the Kraken. I began to become afraid because of this. I was afraid that I was going to lose it and force my son to take in primal violence. This kicked off an onslaught of emotion that I could do little with. I wanted to cry and at the same time I was getting close to the desire to kill. More because of what was to come then because of what had happened already. I sensed that it was only going to get worse, and I was right. We had only just moved in several months ago. Our house in Suck Hill was occupied by renters for the next year. We had nowhere else to go except California 2300 miles away. Wendy was in Charlotte. Her family was attacking me. Everything I was doing was being called into question because I was not going to be treated this way in my own home, or anywhere else for that matter.

"I've never in my entire life been treated this way, and by family nonetheless. Why are you treating me this way?" I said with a quiver in my voice.

"Because we don't want you here." And that's when I advanced on him. I set my son down and I started to move into his territory to do I don't even know what to him, but nothing good. Tina got between us and pushed Mordred towards the door. "Go outside," she commanded. He didn't protest much, just did what he was told and went outside. I picked my son back up since he was at my leg screaming. Tina came at me, and I had to put my arm up, bent at the elbow to keep her a foot away from my face. She backed me into the wall. I was holding my son.

"Lady, if you don't back up I'm gonna drop you." I said sternly.

"He's scared of me," she said, "he's scared of me...ha ha ha ha haaa, he's scared of a woman, look at him.  Go ahead boy, drop me!!"

"My house, my rules," cried Aunt Bee who was still covered with a blanket and rocking herself silly. "My house, my rules."  As she increases the speed of her rocking.

"He's scared of me, look at him Aunt Bee, he's about to cry." Indeed, I was. I had my son in my arms. I couldn't lose it on this woman because who would watch my son while my wife was gone to Charlotte incomunicado for the next five hours or so due to photographing somebodies special wedding day. In spite of all of this I felt myself losing control in the direction of reptilian violence. I was also feeling the need to flee, to give in, pack my son and I up and leave. I thought I'd call my wife from the road to California and tell her to meet me there. I wasn't going to deal with this, her family, any longer. I knew that I had one more click before I transformed into deadly raging berserker. I knew that if this happened I would be hauled off to jail, no questions. This was a woman after all. With one last ability to reach logical thinking I placed my son and I between this witch and our couch. This four feet of space allowed me to calm just enough to know that I could not lose control. I had to keep control of myself because I had to protect my son's best interest. However, I was ready to kill. In fact I've never been ready to commit deadly violence like that before or since that moment. I wanted to rip her head off, and that's when Mordred brought his punk ass back into the house. This is also when I could no longer keep from using four letter anglo saxon words.

"You two get the fuck out of this house now before I end up going to prison for murder."

"I'll leave when I'm good and ready," said Mordred.

"Who gives you the authority to come into this home and treat your family like this?" I screamed Mordred with my voice cracking. His answer baffled me. In fact, it still baffles me, and I'm not sure exactly what he meant by it. But this is what he said.

"I'm here under the authority of Satan!!!" The cat was out of the bag. I could tell by Tina's face that she was upset with him for divulging this information. These two spend most of their time at their Baptist church. The kind where they speak in tongue. I knew as much, but what exactly did he mean by "under the authority of Satan"? I didn't want to find out.

"Get out, the both of you, get out before I kill you. In fact, you aren't welcome here ever again. I'm not going anywhere. The next time I see either of you the first thing I'm going to do is call 911." That gave me the idea to get the phone. Holding the phone I said "if you don't leave right now I'm going to call 911, and then I'm going to choke your stupid ass until you stop trying to breath."

"My house, my rules," Aunt Bee was still repeating to herself. Tina pushed Mordred out of the house and left behind him. I watched as they got in their vehicle to flee. The anger dropped out of me as they left and it was replaced by a storm of worry, regret, and sadness. I didn't understand what had just happened. Why? I didn't know Aunt Bee well enough yet to trust her. I wasn't sure what she had told them at lunch. I wasn't sure what to believe any longer. What was I going to do now? Staying here wasn't an option because I was never going to be treated like that again if I could help it. I went into the kitchen and sat down at the kitchen table and began weeping. I was an emotional wreck at this point. It felt like I had all of my energy drained from me. All I could do now was to weep, and shake, as the threat had temporarily passed. What had I done by moving my family here, to Whoville? What was I going to do now?

By this time Aunt Bee was standing in the kitchen in front of me nervously.

"Do you know how long it's been since I've cried?" I asked. "The last time I cried was bout eight years ago. What did you tell them at lunch? Why did they come here and act that way? I've never been treated like this in my entire life. Not by anybody, and especially not family. Is this how your family treats its members?"

"I don't know why he came here and did that?" Said Bee.

"What did you tell them at lunch? What was he talking about with the television. Do you think we are keeping you from a television?"

"I don't know what he was talking about. I just told him that I wanted a television in my room so that I could watch church on Sunday. I didn't tell him that you were keeping me from a television."

"So he just came up with that all by himself?" I asked.

"Yes, I didn't say anything about ya'll except that we were all happy together in my home."

"So he just made all that up? They came here and attacked me all by themselves?"

"I don't know why he did that." Said Aunt Bee as her eyes wandered off into la la land.

"I need you to understand something. I'm never going to be treated like that again." I said. "You have to make a decision now. It's either us or them. If I'm going to stay here than he is not welcome back again."

"I asked you to move here." Said Bee.

"Do you understand what I'm saying to you now? They are not welcome back here, or I'm packing our bags and taking my family to California. What's it gonna be?"

"Well I'll just have to call him and tell him to not come back here. If he wants to see me he'll just have to meet me out for lunch somewhere away from here."

"The next time I see them I'm going to call the police, and if they don't leave I'll be getting one of my guns out to make them leave. There won't be any talking. I refuse to be treated this way, and I won't let my son witness something like this again if I can help it." That's when the phone rang. It had been about ten minutes or so since Mordred and Tina LeFay left. It was Mordred, and I could hear what he was saying. Aunt Bee told him that I was very upset and it would be best if they not come back and that she would just meet them out if they wanted to see her.

"Okay...okay...bye bye," and she hung up the phone. "He said he was sorry for acting that way. He said he had no business acting that way in my home and that he was sorry." I heard the conversation. He did apologize...to Aunt Bee, but not to me. He didn't tell her to tell me that he was sorry because he wasn't. He just had time to figure out that their brilliant plan had failed. He had time to begin worrying that the Aunt Bee money train had derailed. He was calling for immediate damage control after their failed plan.

"Don't tell Wendy about this" pleaded Bee.

"Why would I not tell her? She is my wife!"

"Just don't tell her, she doesn't need to know. I don't want her to worry about it." But it was already too late. I had texted Wendy shortly after they left. The text read:

"you're family is crazy...I think we're going to have to move to California because I won't be treated this way again."