Truth Against the World

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

My Resignation from the Matrix

My Resignation from the Matrix
Aaron McCarty
(Copyright Aaron McCarty - Special to Collapsenet)

I'm 32 now...8 years away from 40. Already my teeth are telling me that I'm composed of organic material that is decaying more rapidly as time passes. Might as well get used to it now. The pain is the only part I really don't like, but then that's obvious isn't it? I'm supposed to be settled in a career at this age. If we are to listen to the dictates of society, that is. I seem to be doing the opposite. It also seems to be a pattern that I have followed for most of my life. I've been at PMC EMS for five and a half years now and I'm moving on. I don't think I've ever done anything for five and a half years, so it's a new record for me...progress even. I'm dropping out of the rat race rather than cementing my position within it. I've made contact with Transition/Permaculture advocates in Asheville NC which seems to be where I need to be. My wife loves it in Asheville but I don't think she's ready to move there. We have to move slowly, one step at a time. Walking away from our house is a big step for us. It gives me hope that she will come around to seeing the world as I do because that is how she truly sees it and not because she wants to keep me happy.

Materialism and familial duty have been largely responsible for keeping me in the Matrix for as long as I have been in it. I think I'm down to an attachment to just my book collection at this point. I could give up all of the other trappings of a domesticated life of debt servitude without much duress to my psyche now. This ability is due to a shift in my priorities. I want very little to do with the programming of television and canned entertainment any longer. I don't mind staring at this computer screen nearly as much as staring at a television screen. At least this is interactive. The interactions on this screen are abstract, but they interact with my will. The internet is an amazing tool that can be used to facilitate life, but it tends to lend itself more freely to wasting away. If it helps me find the people I need to find, then it's a good thing. The internet has become that for me. Up untill now I have used it to find companionship with anonymous avatars projected into the cloud by people I will never meet. I'm now using the net to find real people within my physical reach.

I'm not sure that Asheville is where I need to be. I know when I am there I get a sense of home that I have gotten nowhere else. It feels like I belong there. Like I am understood there. I feel like the people that are there do not need to strain to understand me. In fact I will be challenged to understand them. The knowledge I want can be found there. Therefore I am signing up for a permaculture class that will start this spring and last all summer. It's one weekend a month from April until August with two weekends in June. I expect to make connections that will assist me in finding where I belong.

I have had doubts about dropping out of the Matrix since I gave my notice of resignation to my corporate employer. I will be living largely rent free by moving in with family. The part of me that feels I will have to return to the matrix wants to pay more money into the Matrix to gain more certification in my chosen field of healthcare. That part of me tells me to go back to school to get a nursing degree or paramedic certification. That part of me wants me to think that this is the prudent thing to do, and I suppose it is the prudent thing to do if staying in the Matrix to gain the sustenance my family needs is the goal. What about my soul? What about the fact that healthcare has become a practice in profiting on human disease? What about the fact that we no longer have patients that we care for but customers that we are charged with appeasing?  What needs to be fully realized by all of us is that staying in the Matrix will not help our families find happiness, joy, equanimity, or provide a deep sense of meaning, belonging, and community. It will provide shelter and pretend food along with pretend medicine. It will provide us with a community of zombies to be alone together with. It will provide familiarity and a false sense of security and comfort. It can only provide us with falsities because that's what the Matrix is by its very nature. The Matrix is a false illusion that we have all collectively agreed upon without our conscious consent or knowledge.

Community seems to be the number one requirement for happiness in life. Community will provide all of the physical requirements for existence. The problem is that America has very few communities. There are people who are working on establishing communities based on an intelligent stewardship of the land and of the Earth. They are working towards a way of living on the Earth that pays attention to all life and moves in harmony with it rather than rampaging unaware of our destructive actions! This is what Transition and Permaculture are concerned with. I have much to offer in this regard. Every person has much to offer if they just know that they first have it. We are conditioned from the moment we exit the womb to sell our labor for money. We are taught indirectly, before we can even talk, that the world requires money from us. We have to work to gain money so that we can secure a place to exist. This is a lie. We don't have to sell our time for money. We can trade it for community. That's what communities do. The members trade their time for a place to belong. This is how tribes work. I believe that tribes should be the fundamental level on which humans organize themselves. I don't think we can manage much more complexity then is found in tribes. Of course when you have 7 billion people on the Earth it's hard to remain in tribes. In fact, its not possible for all 7 billion to belong to a tribe, is it? Has there ever been an organizational method in our history that has worked better than the tribal model? Maybe tribes united by some type of central monasticism? Something like what was found in Tibet before China decided to reach out and annex that holy land. Herman Hesse did a pretty good job conjuring up Castalia in "The Glass Bead Game." Maybe something along the lines of a central Tibet surrounded by Castalia surrounded by Tribes would be an ideal model for human civilization?

What matters to me is that it seems true enough that the tribal level offers happiness. It offers a human scaled community that has proven itself. All members from the eldest to the youngest have a place in a tribal community. This is not so for the way that we are organized now. Our elderly have no place in this society. This fact points to something very wrong with our way of life. This is a way of life that sanctions and subsidizes facilities to discard our elders to while profiting from their brain dead statuses. Appropriately enough, these are mental statuses that are won by a life of taking in the toxins required to grease the machine parts of the Matrix's insanity. The elderly should offer a wellspring of wisdom and knowledge from an entire life's worth of experiences. The up and coming elderly largely seem to have none of that to offer because they have spent their entire lives servicing the myth of progress paradigm without questioning its validity. They have spent their entire existence ignoring that we live on a finite planet. The system they have serviced, the Matrix, is failing miserably just in time for their children to inherit the mess. I am of that generation that is inheriting the mess. Someone has to stand up and demand change. They have to not only demand change, but point out the insanity and refuse to continue servicing it. Beyond this, we must begin being the change we want to see in the world. I am refusing to continue servicing the old paradigm of destructive progress.

This is largely what my notice to the Matrix is about. I don't know exactly what needs to be done for the future to succeed if success is defined as nurturing all life. But I have a pretty damn good idea how to proceed. Muddling forward into the future is not all that bad if you know a few things about reality. The two memes that need to inform my generation of leaders are "you can't have infinite growth on a finite planet," and "until you change the way money works you change nothing" (as Michael Ruppert is so fond of repeating ad naseum). There has to be a starting point. Realizing that we can't have infinite growth on a finite planet is the best place to start. It seems that the money issue will work itself out by honoring the first maxim. You can directly extrapolate that this means a steady state economy (or something like it) will be the only way to proceed. Arguing the semantics of free will, freedom, liberty, and the like are all red herrings.

There has to be something in place to keep tyrannical dictators from rising to power. Weapons exist and we can't ignore that fact. Unfortunately conflict is part of what it means to exist on a finite planet. I suppose if it was an infinite planet there would be no need to fight because everybody would have plenty. Being that it's finite, there is not enough for everybody in a growth economy. This is the main root of conflict. Maybe one day, when we reach something like a steady state, we can begin the process of de-armament. For now, weapons exist and so we must have them to guard against tyranny. But we need to begin with the work of honoring the nature of our reality. Servicing the Matrix is doing the opposite. If we do not begin resisting the mandates of the Matrix it will only continue its projected path into ever increasing tyranny. At some point it will grow beyond our control and we will be forced to comply at the point of a gun. In many ways this is already the case. One can hope that peak energy will take the power away from the Matrix, but that can only be a hope at this point. Either way, focusing on this is a waste of time. We must begin to live differently while we still have the option and the time. And so, I am beginning.

This is my resignation from the Matrix. I will be operating from outside of your bounds. I will still be here, in the Matrix, because I have a physical body and no other options at present. However, I am beginning to see the true shape of reality. I am going to be bending the rules now. You no longer own my has been liberated from your requirements. There are many like me. Michael Ruppert calls us Post Petroleum Humans. So I'm going to get busy doing the work of building a world that does not honor your rules and presuppositions. It is possible to live live in a way that honors life and creation rather than premature death and destruction. I'm standing up now, and I'm beginning to see that there are others just like me standing up as well.  

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

6 Year Burn Out

We were dispatched to an "unconscious" 911 call at one of the local Dialysis clinics. Dialysis, now there is a miserable existence to live. Show up to a clinic two to three times a week to sit in a chair for a couple of hours while a machine filters your blood for you. You have complete renal failure which is why you need this machine. In your arm is a large rope under the skin in the area of your bicep that looks like a snake has burrowed it's way into you. This is the stent they use to access the closed system that your blood traverses. Once dialysis starts the average lifespan is about 6 years or so. You have to really watch your diet and you're all the time having to get fluid pulled out of your body while you are dialysised because your kidneys don't work and that plays royal hell on all of your body systems. You quite literally become part machine and 9 times out of 10 you are also an insulin dependent diabetic. You have major health problems.

At any rate, we are dispatched to the dialysis clinic cause somebody passed the fuck out in the lobby en route to getting their oil changed, I mean blood filtered. We have to hurry up and get en route, not to save a life, but because we have to beat the local rescue squad that the corporation I work for is trying it's damndest to put out of business. This is a mostly volunteer rescue squad that has paid paramedics on the truck. People who live in the community volunteer their time to assist the rescue squads and the community. The corporation I work for wants them out of business for no good reason. In fact, it will just mean that Tenet will have to spend more money handling the 911 calls in the county. My director vehemently denies all of this, and he definitely denies that we are supposed to be "racing" to the calls. But if we don't beat the rescue squad our supervisor is on the phone with us asking why. This is what corporate sponsored nonsense likes to accomplish.

We get to the clinic and the staff has the patient, I mean customer, in a dialysis chair and they are attempting to gain I.V. access. The customer looks pretty bad off. He's conscious when we get there and breathing rapidly and a little deeper than I would like. It looks like Kusmal's respiration’s which is what happens when your blood sugar goes through the roof due to the fact that your pancreas doesn't produce insulin any longer. Your kidneys don't work either. You should be dead but people gotta profit from your miserable ass. That's the point of healthcare in America, profit. They get an I.V. established and the patient, I mean customer, goes into some activity that resembles a seizure, although not the classic grand mal. Maybe an absence seizure, but not quite that either. I don't know what the hell's going on with him, but I know we need to get him on the cot and into the truck. There's about four dialysis clinic staff members in this small room, along with the two rescue squad members that have just arrived, as well as my partner and I. It's crowded and the clinic members are freakin' out cause that's what they do during emergency situations. The customer's wife is freakin' out as well. She's hollering out loud about Jesus and "in Jesus's name pray," and it sounds like a god damn exorcism is going down.

We get the customer in the back of our truck and tell the rescue squad that we don't need them since the customer is conscious and seems to be doing better. He says he's not been feeling good today and he's recently had heart surgery. My partner puts him on the heart monitor and it looks good, but she decides to get a 12 lead just to be sure. I get a blood pressure and barely hear a systolic of 70 and no diastolic. Shit, that's not good. You need a systolic of 70 just to profuse the brain. Much lower than that and you'll go unconscious cause your brain ain't gettin' enough oxygen. The customer starts into his quasi lookin' seizure activity again. My partner's still trying to get the 12 lead going and I'm making for the door to get this rig en route to the hospital. That's when my partner pipes up "shit, start bagign'"

"What are you talking about?"

"He's barely breathing, look!" I look and sure enough he's breathing about six times a minute and agonally at that. I get an OPA (oral pharengeal airway...a device used to keep the tongue out of the way and keep the airway open) out and measure against the angle of his jaw to make sure it's the right size. I sink the OPA and he takes it like a champ, no gag reflex, shit. I start bagging (breathing for the patient with a device called a BVM for "bag valve mask." The action of using one in the field is referred to as "Bagging" in EMS jargon). The customers pulse now drops down to the low 20's,

"Fuck, he's crashing!" Says my partner. Sure enough, he's crashing cause now he's no longer breathing by himself. My partner goes to pace him with the monitor (which is where the monitor gives little shocks at a rate that is conducive to keepin' your ass alive. The idea is that the monitor gives the electrical signal to your heart to keep it beating). The customer's chest starts jumping slightly with each little shock and then the monitor starts going to shit. It stops pacing and we can't get a read at all.

"What the hell is wrong with the monitor?" Exclaims my partner a bit distraught.

"Hell if I know, check the limb leads."

"I've already checked them like three times!! What am I supposed to do now?"

"Hell if I know..." She fools with the monitor more, unplugging, turning on and off, nothing is working.

"What's the end tidal CO2 say?" I ask.

"Negative 50."

"That's not even fucking possible." End tidal CO2 is supposed to be between 35 and 45 and it's not possible to go below 0 which is your ass is completely dead, deader than that even.

"What are we supposed to do now?!!"

"I can't find a carotid." I say. He's got no pulse. "I guess we start pumpin' now."

"He's dead." My partner says. "He's gone isn't he?"

"Looks that way." Yep, died right there in front of us. He was talking and now he's dead. I feel absolutely nothing. Not the slightest bit of sadness. I suppose that makes me a good emt. I'm a professional who doesn't get personally involved. I'm a master of clinical attitude. We just watched this man die. We were supposed to be the ones who stopped his death from happening. We're supposed to open the back doors to the ambulance and drop kick the Reaper's ass out of the truck and take off. Unfortunately that's not what happened. I think to myself that maybe it's a good thing I just put in my two week notice. Seems like maybe I should be at least somewhat upset about the fact that I watched this man die right in front of me.

My partner calls our supervisor after the call to inform her that the lifepak (the heart monitor) is fucked up. She tells my partner to hook it up to me to make sure that it's reading fine. She does and it reads fine. Problem solved. Must have just been a glitch in the lifepak. That's a pretty fuckin' big ass glitch doncha think? It's a glitch that might have saved a man's life had it not glitched when we needed it. When the Grim Reaper comes for you, there's nothing anybody can do about it. I've gotten to know the Reaper's work pretty intimately over the last six years. 

 They say six years is when you burn out. I never believed it until it happened to me. I've been in it for six years and I felt my ability to continue evaporate like water on hot asphalt. Seems like I have some humanity to regain. Hopefully growing some vegetables and tending to my toddler will help me in that endeavor. I do have a feeling that I will be back. This is just a sabbatical. I've got to recoup for the next six year round that I'll more than likely have to endure. The tragedy of my situation is that I'm not burned out from the work of being an emt. I'm a damn good emt. I don't take any of this shit home with me. I'm burned out because of the corporate bull shit. After dealing with all of the dumb ass corporate induced shit I have nothing left for my customer's bull shit. I'd have plenty of tolerance for our customer's shit if my employer would just leave me the fuck alone and let me do my job, but apparently that is not possible in the corporate world. There's no room for profit in healthcare. Like everything else in America it's all fucked up. Something as simple as two emt's on a truck responding to people's emergency's can't even be left alone. It has to be micromanaged and bureaucratized to limit liabilities. I've put hundreds of people into full spinal (c-collar, head bead, back board) none of which needed to be spinalized because of the threat of lawsuits. Hundreds of patients and maybe 20 of them needed a spine board as an actual precaution. The amount of BS is gargantuan in scale. But I suppose that's everywhere isn't it? I just hope some Druid magic discloses some enchantment to me in the near future. It seems to be doing just that. I've simply grown exhausted by the American Hologram.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

The Myth of Progress Paradigm

The Myth of Progress Paradigm

Lately I have been reading, thinking, studying, and talking a lot about myth. The particular myths I have chosen to make a study of are those that pertain to Druidry, and more specifically Arthurian Legend/myth. I had a strong proclivity towards Arthurian Legend as a teenager and actually took a class on the Arthurian Legend Cycle in high school and read the likes of Sir Malory and his Le Morte D'Arthur. At the time I was just drawn to the imagery of knights in armor bashing each other stupid in the name of fair maidens, rescuing damsels in distress, slaying dragons, and questing after magical artifacts such as the grail. This was just the type of magical thinking I was drawn to as a young lad. Years later I find myself once again pulled to those knights and their adventures. Only now, they represent something like Jungian Archetypes and esoteric knowledge. I'm using this mythical system to achieve some sort of guidance about how to proceed in the world. That's the point behind myths. They give us something to anchor ourselves to as we proceed through the uncertain world as adults.

The overmind of our day that is transmitted to us via the programming of television has become something of a quasi-myth for our society. Albeit one that is one dimensional, dreary, unintelligible, purposeless, and devoid of all quality and meaning. The myth that our society has been following, pretty much since it's inception, is the myth of progress (as John Michael Greer has been pointing out frequently over the last months). The tactic employed to succeed in that myth has been one of hucksterism and hustling (as Morris Berman has recently pointed out in Why America Failed). Progress has meant pillaging the Earth for profit, exuding a constant and massive waste stream ending anywhere so long as it's not here, and caring for nothing but self. It has resulted in man using his brightest intellects to figure out how to screw up the biosphere as quickly as possible and all in the name of profit. This myth of progress has resulted in Corporations deciding how our society will define its ethics. It has resulted in gargantuan multinational corporations having not only the same rights as individual people, but having more rights. We now have a world that is frighteningly similar to Orwell's 1984.

While the "myth of progress" attempts to function as a myth, it doesn't quite do so. The point of myth has always been to provide a meaningful world for mankind. For whatever reason we need stories to motivate our action in this world. Not just any stories, but stories that imbue us with wisdom and more importantly enchantment. I say enchantment is more important because without it the world becomes flat and one dimensional. Without enchantment we are left only with Cartesian/Newtonian thinking which equates to nothing more than a mechanistic philosophy where everything is deterministic. There can be no place for meaningful ideas such as fate and destiny in that worldview. Science informs us that somehow this whole monkey show got started (we don't know how but never mind that godless man behind the curtain, it doesn't matter) and it's all been just cue balls on a pool table responding predictably according to physical laws ever since. We are supposed to have faith (although refusing to call it such or admit to anything resembling it) that the scientific method and the "scientist" will one day figure it out, and in the mean time provide us with the antidotes to all of our problems and just in the nick of time. Naturally, the massive, stinking, shit flingin' ape sitting on the couch in the living room of developed societies worldwide, and representing the mother of all of our problems, is what has been dubbed Peak Oil. This particular ape doesn't care what you think or want and is only concerned with the nature of finite resources. Peak Oil has become sort of a misnomer akin to "global warming" and should probably be changed to Peak Energy but that's beside the point. The point is that the myth of progress only works if it has cheap and abundant energy to force it's compliance.

Once this knowledge has been internalized as the fact that it is, it will begin exerting an undeniable psychological pressure in the being of the realizing individual. At some point after all of the nasty grief processing stages are endured we are individually left with a desire to act. But how are we to act when the myth that has informed our entire lives has been disclosed as a temporary glitch in the human experience on Earth? Here again John Michael Greer has been doing the majority of the leg work dealing with this exact thing. The most popular meme at the present time is that of the 2012 Mayan Apocalypse that will result in us surviving, them perishing, and a new glorious reality to continue progressing in. It's an old and tired meme really, one that JMG has gone through great lengths to illustrate in his latest book Apocalypse Not. The Apocalypse meme has been infecting the human race since about 600 years before Jesus Christ and was largely a creation of Zarathustra. According to Friedrich Nietzsche, Zoaraster spoke, God died, and the apocalypse meme was born...or something like that. The reality of the situation is that, baring an unfortunate and random event like nuclear assured destruction, a random black hole meandering into our solar system, or some other freak event, what's probably going to happen is just more of the same austerity. Austerity for you to, eventually. The chances of you participating in a lower standard of living are better than good, unless you are already part of that 1% we've been hearing so much about lately.

Figuring out what to make of all of this has been what I have been contemplating and doing for the last several years. However it hasn't been until recently that I laid down the apocalypse meme myself. That action changed my mood slightly. Well, actually it was sort of like taking the last bit of hope I had tucked away in the conscious foreground of my mind, and shitting all over it. That resulted in an entire new round of what the fuck now? That also resulted in my entry into the small, but growing, class of people who are actually doing something about this mess. I've made the preparations to enter that class of people. I'm not going to participate in societies myth of progress anymore. It's pretty easy to say that, but what does it mean? For me it's somewhere between voluntary simplicity and voluntary poverty. It means that I will be putting my two week notice in at work, walking away from my house, and structuring my life in accordance with what I consider to be my authentic life, as Joseph Campell put it. I'm going to follow my bliss and give up on the rat race. I don't want to push a bar for a pellet of materialism. I want to live an intentional and therefore meaningful life. A life in which healing all things is the purpose of my existence rather than destroying them. If it was just my wife and I, it would be much easier, but we have a 19 month old toddler to care for. This has been the final remaining shackle to the matrix for me, until now.

The first place to start is to realize that you can't live your life based on what others think. By others I mean even those who are close to you. Since there is no myth uniting us we have been forced to write our own. This means that it's likely not to fit into the dominant myth of your family and friends. All of the people that I personally know are either in the Christian, apocalypse, or progress myth paradigms. Unfortunately Christianity embodies all three and I live in a Christian Nation. How else are you to explain the success of the republican party. Not that the democrats are any better because all they have done is gotten rid of the Christian aspect. So quitting my corporate sponsored career isn't exactly going to win me any votes with anybody that I know. In fact they will look down on me and call me irresponsible for doing such a thing with a toddler to care for. How could I possibly give up a perfectly good job/career complete with a steady pay check and medical insurance for my family? The devil is most certainly in the details.

Fortunately I have been able to procure shelter for my wife, son and I without having to pay for it. My wife has an aunt who is in her 60's and her husband has recently passed away. My wife's family is pretty much estranged from one another, as is much of our anit-cultures. At any rate this aunt has offered for us to live with her in her three bedroom house seeing as how she is pretty much just languishing in her loneliness. The thought of two adult family members, a toddler, and two dogs moving in with her brought her to tears of joy. I can hear that myth of progress in the background calling me an irresponsible mooch for what I'm about to do and I no longer give a shit what it, or it's followers think. My son will have more love than he can use by both his mother and father. 

 What if he get's sick? That is the 200,000 dollar question, at least a lot of times in this country. I work in healthcare actually, specifically EMS. I have a 2400 dollar deductible to go with my health care savings account (HSA) plan. How Orwellian is that? I'm saving on healthcare? I guess that goes along with the "raise" that I got this year that was a decrease in my hourly rate but 4 more scheduled hours per pay check. So at the end of the year it works out to a 3% raise since I worked 96 extra hours in a year. I work more for less and that's a raise. My employer added 600 dollars to my HSA and I got a 900 dollar one time deposit from them as well. Last year they contributed 900 dollars. I suppose next year it will be 300 if we follow the trend. To top this all of, the HSA is managed by Fidelity on Wall St, but don't worry it's managed responsibly. Until the next bubble that they had my healthcare invested in bursts and leaves me with nothing. Keep in mind I work for a hospital (the service I work for is owned by Tenet which is a for profit corporation). So if my son get's sick this year I should be okay, but next year I'll be screwed when all I get added to my account is 300 dollars and I have to come up with 2100 before insurance will so much as cover a fukitol pill which I would require if I were to stay employed, which brings me up to my next point.

I have reached what can only be termed "burn out," with my "career." I can no longer handle the constant siege of bullshit from both my employer and my former patients, now customers. I was called into the office the other day to defend myself against accusations that were brought by somebody who was not even on the scene. A patients family member no doubt. He wanted me fired for saying "I thought this was an emergency."  We were dispatched lights and sirens to a skilled healthcare facility for chest pains and upon arrival were told to wait while they finished giving the patient...I mean customer...a bath. That's when the words got shat out of my mouth. The only person that heard me was one of the nurses and apparently she informed a family member of my verbal turrets later that day and he called my supervisor to have me fired. Indeed, my director informed me that any complaint must be "investigated." He enlightened me about the time he had to spend many man hours investigating a complaint from a member of our illustrious society because an air horn scarred them at an intersection. On top of the managerial bull shit I have to contend with the typical 911 call. The medical taxi cab ride to the hospital for the sniffles or because the junkie ran out of smack and is in the beginning stages of withdrawal. I could go on like this for hundreds of pages, and actually I am. It's what the novel I've been working on is about. So in all reality, quitting my job is just going to enable me to leave on good terms so as not to burn any bridges...not that it matters. If I don't put in my notice it will just be a matter of time before I'm in the office again defending myself against some pissed off worshiper of progress.

So my plans are to craft a life of voluntary poverty for my family and I. No house payment and no car payments. My wife has etched out a pretty good niche selling crap she finds at thrift stores on ebay for a nice profit. You would not believe the stupid shit that people buy for entirely too much money. I don't feel bad about taking their credit card money, and nor does my wife. I suppose karmically it's got a cost, selling people shit they don't need online for a profit, but at least it's stuff being resold and not requiring further pillaging of the Earth's limited resources. She also makes money with her camera. She's good at both. I plan on working part time using my EMT credentials for a little while. I have to pay my truck off. Once that's done I'm going to grow food organically and sell it on the side of the road along with value added products such as hot sauces, ciders, pickles, kimchi, and all other manner of fermented and crafted food. This will be the fourth year of gardening organically for me, and I am getting a clean slate in the yard of the relative in-laws house that I'll be moving into. Maybe I'll be able to figure out a way to make money writing while I'm at it. I'll also be homeschooling my son. I have been offered an opportunity for reprieve from the madness and I'm going to take it. 

 I'm sorry to say that if you don't agree with it, I don't care. Because if you don't agree with it you are most certainly operating under the myth of progress paradigm, and I don't agree with you. It's nothing personal, I just don't want to rape and pillage the good for my own personal gain. I'm concerned with healing life and not destroying it. Maybe you will join me? I hear community is supposed to be a pretty intrinsic human need. Although I can't say it empirically since I've never known a real community before in my lifetime. Just fake, plastic, discounted, for profit communities. So you can have your madness. I told you that I would find my way out of this Orwellian hell, it was just a matter of time. I tried the fukitol pill and I couldn't shit, probably had to do with the fact that it was poison. So now I'm going all natural and I'm taking my family with me, and if you don't like it...well...I really don't care.